I received an email from Scott Sonnon, founder of RMAX and Tacfit , last week that was very thought provoking. I wanted to share my thoughts after reading the email, as well as share the entire email which you can read on our blog.
As you know, the training at Alliance is much more than just physical training. Although the physiological adaptations are important and a big part of what we want to help you achieve, I truly believe the mental, spiritual, and personal growth, which can come from the training far outweigh the physical benefits alone.
When I sit down with a new client, one of the first things I ask them is why are they here and what is their true reason for training. Whether you are just starting training or if you have been training for years it is always a good question to come back to and connect with. If you are lacking in motivation connecting your why for training to your bigger purpose and why in life can be the thing that motivates you. We are working on this very thing in our Optimize Coach program. Brian refers to this as creating “Soul Goals”. What I alluded to in my last email about energy was that it doesn’t matter how great a goal you have if you don’t have the energy and physical vitality to pursue it.
So, in my own searching and realization of some of my flaws, failures, and fears I realize their are many things I avoid because they are uncomfortable. I also realize that success ,which on the surface and to others may seem great, can also lead to stagnation in personal growth. Success can also lead to fear of change or loss. It is probably a lot harder to leave a job you hate to pursue something you are really passionate about when you make a lot of money at that job you hate. When I opened my first gym I very naive but I also had nothing to lose except the bea tup Nissan Sentra I drove nicknamed the “deerslayer” because I didn’t have money to get it repaired after running into a deer.
I see this in my own training, especially in Jiujitsu, partly because Rafa being the great coach he is pointed int out to me. I sometimes rely too much own my physical strength which may be to my own detriment and personal growth. Why do I do this? Because it is comfortable and I fear losing a position or worse getting tapped out. Nobody wants to say uncle and it is that very reason many people won’t even get on the mat for fear of risking being dominated physically by another.
So, what are some things that you may be avoiding than are uncomfortable and in the short term may make you unhappy but in the long term make you better? It is certainly not a requirement to do 6 x ten minute rolls in Jiujitsu to get better in Jiujitsu. It is also not necessary to go to absolute failure in exercise or to the point of feeling like you are going to throw up to get physically better. However, it is our goal to truly challenge you and if you are willing to go to your absolute best you may uncover a latent potential you didn’t know existed. By doing so, you may as Mark Divine say” “Meet your true self for the first time”. If you do, don’t be afraid of the power that you truly possess.
Commit, Show Up, Don’t Quit, Be Uncommon, Become Your Best Self,
“Be Better than Just Happy”
Have you ever heard the comment about relationships that “it’s better to be happy than be right”? It sounds plausible, but in application it’s a problematic fantasy. Asking two quarrelsome parties to forfeit trying to prove their point and just acquiesce to the other is like asking wolves to wear sheepskins and bleat. They pretend to be happy, as if they’re on a stage… with as much authenticity as a Hollywood film set.
Pretending to be happy, submitting to the will of another who intends to prove their righteousness, slowly cannibalizes your self-worth, and leads to a life of silently seething resentment, passive aggressiveness and randomly explosive releases of pressurized emotions.
If you wear happiness like a heavy blanket, you’ll avoid conflict and confrontation… as a result, you’ll prevent growth and development. Rather than risk an argument, you’ll suck it in and deny the injustices you see or feel. You’ll waste your very short life trying to find a way to be happy, when there is no way to be happy. Happiness is the way. Being happy is a by-product of loving the challenge, of recognizing discomfort as catalyst to growth.
But intending to be “right” is just as stifling. Proving your point is like a blathering child – if they’re talking, they’re not learning anything new. Growth is predicated on failure. Development depends upon mistakes, on being “wrong.” If you’re always “right” – you’re never growing.
If you attempt to prove that you’re right, you’ll be completely missing the potential transformation which could be happening if you realized that… you’re always and already wrong. We’re imperfect and under-developed. No one’s brain is done cooking. So, at any point in time, you’re poorly informed. If you approach life with that humility, you’ll never stop developing.
Look at exercise as an example. You see two predominant types of people: those that want to be comfortable and those that want to be successful. Those who want to be comfortable avoid the specific exercises which make them feel uncoordinated, and the exact training stress which will allow them to grow; and those who want to be successful will avoid the exact exercises that they’re not good at, and the intensity levels that challenge them too greatly.
|In exercise, you need to be uncomfortable and you need to go beyond where you’ve been successful… that is, if you want to develop your fitness. If you just want to pretend that you’re exercising, or prove that you’re strong, keep doing what you’re doing, and you’ll appear to be happy and successful (albeit incapable of getting better.)
I’d rather be better than be happy (or be right.)
In my past, people wanted to pretend that there was nothing “wrong” with me, and advised me that I should be “happy” with what I got because things could be so much worse. Yes, that’s true: things could always be worse, but that doesn’t mean you should be content with injustice. And it’s an injustice that you should pretend to be happy.
And of course, many have tried to prove that their way of acting, performing or thinking was right and that mine was faulty, or wrong. I realized that I needed to be embrace being wrong, and find an alternative, to learn… in athletics, in academics, in relationships and in my companies.
The people intending to be “right” all the time, one by one began to fade away, stuck in the picture frame of their successful definitions. I just kept evolving… never content with accepting my condition, comfortable with my endless mistakes. Only the desire to “be better” allows you to grow.
The pain of transformation is fleetingly sublime contrasted with a lifetime of suffering. Like one of my yoga teachers used to say, would you prefer 90 minutes of pain or 90 years of suffering, either way – you choose.
Love the challenges rather than coveting the results. Love your failures as the steps to your success. Love the discomfort of growth as the way to true fulfillment. And you’ll always be better and better and better…
Scott B. Sonnon